Time Heals

Holy cow, my poor little special place has gotten quite dusty. Oops! I'll just clear out some of these cobwebs and try to be a better apartment keeper!

So, back to the post at hand.

I am stunned. And if I could think of a better word for it, I would use it.

In the past three weeks I have discovered that my best friend - who I am no longer speaking to and likely won't, ever again - is getting married. In six months. A wedding that I won't be invited to, to a woman I will never meet.

And then I found out that my once fiance, who swore up and down that he didn't want any babies, who was adamant about me not being pregnant, is having one. With his now-wife. So there's a double surprise.

And....and I feel like a horrible person, because my initial reaction to any of these bits of good news isn't "oh, good for them" like a nice person would react. My reaction is more along the lines of "oh, woe is me" which is a horrible reaction both because it is selfish and because none of the news has anything to do with me anyway. I want all of the people involved to be happy - I just wish their happiness didn't sting the way it does at the moment.

But time heals many wounds.

So when someone asks me if I've heard the good news, I'll just smile and say "That's wonderful!". And I'll hope that with enough practice I'll start to believe it.

Time heals all wounds.

Doesn't it?

Random Facts

Since I'm #13, how about 13 random (and somewhat non-identifying) facts.

1. I've always wanted to write a book. What this book would be about? No idea.

2. The hardest thing I have ever done was tell a mother her baby had died. I've done this more than once. And every time is just as hard.

3. I'm seriously considering returning to working in the hospital. And that scares the bejeebus out of me - I've been out for a year and a half, but it feels like a lifetime.

4. I feel...discontent. But not necessarily unhappy. I think that's why I'm considering returning to hospital work.

5. I lost my best friend. Saying lost makes it seem somewhat like misplacing a sock...and really, it was almost like that. One day he was right there. And then he wasn't. And just like a misplaced sock, sometimes I forget that I lost him and think that he really is just hiding, right in front of my face. But he isn't. He's just...lost.

6. I have faith, but I wouldn't consider myself religious.

7. I am not close to my parents. I remember being little and everyone saying how you got to be close to your parents when you grew up. Now I'm all grown up (sort of anyway) and we're still not close. And I don't know if it's really anyone's fault.

8. My dreams are 90% accurate, in a sixth sense kind of way. I find this somewhat unnerving.

9. I love to organize things.

10. There are some days that I find scrub pants and a t shirt a totally appropriate ensamble.

11. I am almost never a comfortable temperature. I'm either hot or cold...which is really annoying.

12. My feelings get hurt when people don't like me. This is something that most people outgrow...I never did.

13. Five of my favorite tv shows are:
Grey's Anatomy
October Road
Criminal Minds
Numbers
Shark

So how about it? Anyone else have a burning desire to fill the rest of the Constances in on some random facts?

Watches

I'm not a huge jewelry person, I never really have been. There are few things that I wear daily. One of them is a watch. I don't actually wear it because I like the watch (although I do like to know what time it is).

I wear the watch because the person who gave it to me is someone that stands for all sorts of things that I don't want to be. And so the watch serves as a constant reminder. Both a reminder of the past, and of what to avoid in the future.

And all the time that I am writing this, I realize that it's quite a strange thing to do. To purposefully remind myself at least a hundred times a day of something that is somewhat painful. But, at least for now, the reminder serves me more than the pain.

A Letter

You were my best friend. From the day I met you, I couldn't imagine life without you in it. You knew me better than anyone else. And most of all, I trusted you. Even when I maybe shouldn't have, I did. Because I thought you were better than that.



Turns out I was wrong.



Fool me once, shame on you. But fool me twice? I think not.



I wish you nothing but the best. I want you to find love and success and happiness that will fill your days and make all the rest of it worth it. And most of all I hope that you find a way to learn the important lessons that life has to offer, because at the moment there are some very important ones that you seem to be lacking.

I love you for the person you made me. I wish I could have continued to love you for the person you are. Your true self is the person you are when you think no one is looking. I saw you when you didn't know it, and I was disappointed to find out who you really are.

What if...

When you are little, everyone always tells you "just do your best".

And then we grow up.

So what happens when doing your best just isn't good enough?

Choices

I did everything the 'right' way. I graduated from high school, at the top of my class. I went to college. I met a boy, picked a major and was on the dean's list. I committed the first major sin when I elected not to get married to the boy I dated almost all through college. Oh the horrors - dashing my mother's dreams of graduation - wedding - BABIES! To this day I swear my mother would give her left arm for a grandchild right now. She would give her right arm, but that one she needs for holding that grandbaby.

I stayed in the city where I went to college, commiting a major family sin by not returning to the city where the majority of my family lives. And I had a job that no one can quite understand. You know, because being a nurse is SO COMPLICATED. I went to work, I took care of pregnant people. And babies. That's not so hard, is it?

I worked as a nurse for several years, but I realized that while nursing was great, it wasn't something that I could imagine doing for the rest of my life. So I went back to school and quit my job. Oh dear. Talk about something that is hard to explain to people who don't really understand you anyway. You thought understanding nursing was complicated? Try explaining to that group about medical school.

So here we are, applications submitted, although I expect that I am going to have to reapply next year to get in. Which is ok - I could certainly spend another year doing things other than medical school. It might not have been my original plan, but there are worse things than not getting what you want the second you want them. Or so I've been told.

I have ruined my 'perfect path' status, which I am perfectly ok with. The thing that bothers me is that there is always a subtle undertone at family gatherings...I'm the one who *gasp* went back to school. Seriously.

I'm not sure what upsets me more, that I feel like they secretly look down on me for returning to school, or that maybe they're right and going back to school really was a horrible idea.

An Informal Survey

So I would like to take an informal survey...

If someone who you were close to said some very hurtful (not to mention untrue) things about you, and you found out by accident (the person saying them had no reason to believe that you would ever know what was said), do you still have the right to be upset? Or is it your own fault for finding out things you weren't supposed to know?