The Bachelor

I have a confession to make.

I love The Bachelor.

Seriously. I can NOT tear myself away from this show. If it's on, I have to watch it. And right now VH1 is airing Bachelor marathons.

This is not good for my productivity. Or my brain cells....because there is a definite possibility that I get just a little dumber every time I watch it...

Enough with the Whine

Goodness gracious, I have this lovely pink apartment, and I feel like all I ever do in it is whine and complain. And that simply won't do -- wine is perfectly acceptable in my pink apartment, but I think that my whining has got to stop.

So *brisk clap* let's move onto to something that is happy and nice, shall we?

I asked what happens if my best wasn't good enough. And you all made me feel much better. Because you made me realize that everyone feels like that at one time or another. And all you have to do is keep trying. And hope it's enough.

And, as it turns out, while it might not have been my best, it still was enough. Because I applied to graduate school and medical school, and actually got in. Seriously? I think that no one was more surprised that me.

And the lesson? Sometimes you just have to keep trying. Eventually you get there.

Although I do have a feeling that this is going to give me a whole different set of things to whine about discuss at my pretty pink apartment...

Time Heals

Holy cow, my poor little special place has gotten quite dusty. Oops! I'll just clear out some of these cobwebs and try to be a better apartment keeper!

So, back to the post at hand.

I am stunned. And if I could think of a better word for it, I would use it.

In the past three weeks I have discovered that my best friend - who I am no longer speaking to and likely won't, ever again - is getting married. In six months. A wedding that I won't be invited to, to a woman I will never meet.

And then I found out that my once fiance, who swore up and down that he didn't want any babies, who was adamant about me not being pregnant, is having one. With his now-wife. So there's a double surprise.

And....and I feel like a horrible person, because my initial reaction to any of these bits of good news isn't "oh, good for them" like a nice person would react. My reaction is more along the lines of "oh, woe is me" which is a horrible reaction both because it is selfish and because none of the news has anything to do with me anyway. I want all of the people involved to be happy - I just wish their happiness didn't sting the way it does at the moment.

But time heals many wounds.

So when someone asks me if I've heard the good news, I'll just smile and say "That's wonderful!". And I'll hope that with enough practice I'll start to believe it.

Time heals all wounds.

Doesn't it?

Random Facts

Since I'm #13, how about 13 random (and somewhat non-identifying) facts.

1. I've always wanted to write a book. What this book would be about? No idea.

2. The hardest thing I have ever done was tell a mother her baby had died. I've done this more than once. And every time is just as hard.

3. I'm seriously considering returning to working in the hospital. And that scares the bejeebus out of me - I've been out for a year and a half, but it feels like a lifetime.

4. I feel...discontent. But not necessarily unhappy. I think that's why I'm considering returning to hospital work.

5. I lost my best friend. Saying lost makes it seem somewhat like misplacing a sock...and really, it was almost like that. One day he was right there. And then he wasn't. And just like a misplaced sock, sometimes I forget that I lost him and think that he really is just hiding, right in front of my face. But he isn't. He's just...lost.

6. I have faith, but I wouldn't consider myself religious.

7. I am not close to my parents. I remember being little and everyone saying how you got to be close to your parents when you grew up. Now I'm all grown up (sort of anyway) and we're still not close. And I don't know if it's really anyone's fault.

8. My dreams are 90% accurate, in a sixth sense kind of way. I find this somewhat unnerving.

9. I love to organize things.

10. There are some days that I find scrub pants and a t shirt a totally appropriate ensamble.

11. I am almost never a comfortable temperature. I'm either hot or cold...which is really annoying.

12. My feelings get hurt when people don't like me. This is something that most people outgrow...I never did.

13. Five of my favorite tv shows are:
Grey's Anatomy
October Road
Criminal Minds
Numbers
Shark

So how about it? Anyone else have a burning desire to fill the rest of the Constances in on some random facts?

Watches

I'm not a huge jewelry person, I never really have been. There are few things that I wear daily. One of them is a watch. I don't actually wear it because I like the watch (although I do like to know what time it is).

I wear the watch because the person who gave it to me is someone that stands for all sorts of things that I don't want to be. And so the watch serves as a constant reminder. Both a reminder of the past, and of what to avoid in the future.

And all the time that I am writing this, I realize that it's quite a strange thing to do. To purposefully remind myself at least a hundred times a day of something that is somewhat painful. But, at least for now, the reminder serves me more than the pain.

A Letter

You were my best friend. From the day I met you, I couldn't imagine life without you in it. You knew me better than anyone else. And most of all, I trusted you. Even when I maybe shouldn't have, I did. Because I thought you were better than that.



Turns out I was wrong.



Fool me once, shame on you. But fool me twice? I think not.



I wish you nothing but the best. I want you to find love and success and happiness that will fill your days and make all the rest of it worth it. And most of all I hope that you find a way to learn the important lessons that life has to offer, because at the moment there are some very important ones that you seem to be lacking.

I love you for the person you made me. I wish I could have continued to love you for the person you are. Your true self is the person you are when you think no one is looking. I saw you when you didn't know it, and I was disappointed to find out who you really are.

What if...

When you are little, everyone always tells you "just do your best".

And then we grow up.

So what happens when doing your best just isn't good enough?

Choices

I did everything the 'right' way. I graduated from high school, at the top of my class. I went to college. I met a boy, picked a major and was on the dean's list. I committed the first major sin when I elected not to get married to the boy I dated almost all through college. Oh the horrors - dashing my mother's dreams of graduation - wedding - BABIES! To this day I swear my mother would give her left arm for a grandchild right now. She would give her right arm, but that one she needs for holding that grandbaby.

I stayed in the city where I went to college, commiting a major family sin by not returning to the city where the majority of my family lives. And I had a job that no one can quite understand. You know, because being a nurse is SO COMPLICATED. I went to work, I took care of pregnant people. And babies. That's not so hard, is it?

I worked as a nurse for several years, but I realized that while nursing was great, it wasn't something that I could imagine doing for the rest of my life. So I went back to school and quit my job. Oh dear. Talk about something that is hard to explain to people who don't really understand you anyway. You thought understanding nursing was complicated? Try explaining to that group about medical school.

So here we are, applications submitted, although I expect that I am going to have to reapply next year to get in. Which is ok - I could certainly spend another year doing things other than medical school. It might not have been my original plan, but there are worse things than not getting what you want the second you want them. Or so I've been told.

I have ruined my 'perfect path' status, which I am perfectly ok with. The thing that bothers me is that there is always a subtle undertone at family gatherings...I'm the one who *gasp* went back to school. Seriously.

I'm not sure what upsets me more, that I feel like they secretly look down on me for returning to school, or that maybe they're right and going back to school really was a horrible idea.

An Informal Survey

So I would like to take an informal survey...

If someone who you were close to said some very hurtful (not to mention untrue) things about you, and you found out by accident (the person saying them had no reason to believe that you would ever know what was said), do you still have the right to be upset? Or is it your own fault for finding out things you weren't supposed to know?

Confessions

So I have a confession...(don't we all?)

Several years ago I nearly got married. And for various reasons, I walked away instead. It was the right move, but goodness gracious - it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

For over a year after that, I didn't have any contact with the person I once was so in love with. Mostly because I am somewhat of a coward, but also because my walking away had nothing to do with not loving him anymore - I didn't walk away because I didn't love him. On the contrary, I did it because I loved him enough to do the right thing.

But here is the confession...I still talk to him. Not terribly often, but often enough. And it makes me feel horribly guilty and I know I shouldn't. But I just can't seem to ignore him. I know that he doesn't tell anyone that we have any contact - he is recently married and I am quite sure that my name doesn't come up in conversation. I am also quite sure that the contents of our conversation are not information that he sees fit to share with his new bride.

I know that I should just walk away, lest someone's feelings get hurt. But I can't seem to do it.

Bad Habits

I try to be nice. I am also an expert and biting my tongue. Most of the time. But one of my worst habits by far is having really AWFUL thoughts/wishes about people who tick me off. And I don't mean "I wish you would disappear". I'm talking more along the lines of "I wish you would get run over by a bus. A really BIG bus." Which isn't a very nice thing to think. I guess it's better than actually telling someone that I wish they would get run over by a bus. Right?

On Being Anonymous

I wondered if I really needed a pink apartment, since I think that most of the people who actually know me don't read my other blog anyway, although there are a few.

But just knowing that I have a special pink place where I am totally anonymous is strangely comforting.

Apparently sometimes it is nice to be faceless...

Losing It

Have you ever had one of those days that you think you are seriously going to lose your shit? I am talking about the days that you find yourself yelling at the drop of a hat, when normally those things would just roll right off your back. Instead of "oh, spilled milk? no problem, we'll just clean it up" you revert to "ARGH! Could we not have a spill for just the next five minutes?! ARGH". I find it no coincidence that ARGH! sounds very much like something an orge might be yelling, since I am feeling a little bit ogre-ish myself now that you mention it.

I think that if someone could invent patience in a pill that I would keep some - a big jar - on hand just for days like these....

Bitch, moan, whine, whine. I should just get over it already - a day that tests your patience is not all that unheard of. And tomorrow is another day to try again....

Welcome to Suite 13!

I have decided that I perhaps have enough bad luck in real life, so in my special pink apartment in the city, in the building full of pink pals, 13 will be lucky. Or so I'm hoping...

And because I have these great new digs, where I can say whatever I want, I will answer the question that the lovely Swistle posted the other day.

I was unmarried and a college graduate, living up the life that all young, single people think that they will have upon graduation. I had a great job, a sizeable expendable income, and loved every minute of it.

January 9, 2004 (coincidence that the original question was posed on January 9th as well, no?), and I was running an errand with a friend. I stopped cold before walking into a store and blurted out "Oh my God, I'm pregnant." Luckily, she was several steps ahead of me, and didn't hear a word I said. How she never noticed that my eyes were as wide as saucers and I was shaking like a leaf, I have no idea.

I don't really know how I knew, I wasn't even late at the time. But I knew. I KNEW. I had plans for the rest of the afternoon/evening, and it would have raised quite a few eyebrows if I had backed out, so I continued on like nothing was out of the ordinary. Although in my head I was going a million miles an hour....

The next day I went to Target and picked up a test. Which of course was instantly positive. Luckily I knew that was going to be the result, or I might have fallen over right then and there. Although instead of falling over, I just sat on the bed and thought about how lucky I was. I was going to have the thing I didn't even know I was missing, until it found me.

I made an appointment and saw an OB (and my background is in OB, so I was very careful about selecting someone that was not in any way affiliated with my job or the jobs of anyone that I knew who worked in OB...which was actually a lot harder than it sounds) and started to think about what it all was going to mean - I wasn't married, and I don't have any family around here.

I didn't tell anyone that I was pregnant, and was very careful not to let anyone ever suspect. I loved it, but it was like a secret just for me, that I could wrap up in whenever I wanted. Not telling anyone turned out to be the best decision I ever made, as I had a miscarriage early in the second trimester. The fact that no one knew saved me from a lot of explaining that I really didn't want to do.

I don't have any children of my own, and although I miss the one that could have been, I am alright with things as they are for now. And this is the perfect way to use my 'secret spot' since no one who actually knows me has any idea that I have ever been pregnant.